


two hearts in the grey

by kahlen369



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Established Evil Queen | Regina Mills/Emma Swan, F/F, Flashbacks, Fluff and Smut, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Marriage Proposal, Mood Shift, Nightmares, POV Evil Queen | Regina Mills, Panic Attacks, Past Domestic Violence, Past Rape/Non-con, Past Relationship(s), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Romantic Gestures, Surprises, Swan Queen Supernova 2020 (Once Upon a Time), Texting, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, a long overdue Talk with Snow White
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-11
Updated: 2020-09-11
Packaged: 2021-03-05 22:40:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 4
Words: 18,635
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25763035
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kahlen369/pseuds/kahlen369
Summary: It’s the day of Emma and Regina’s one year anniversary, and it is spent happily, as they take turns showering each other with gifts, food and other romantic surprises.Until Emma gives Regina the ultimate romantic surprise during dinner:a proposal.Regina doesn’t react well, which is a bit of an understatement. Seized by panic, she quite literally runs away from Emma, and what began as a night to celebrate their union together might end up being their last night as a couple instead.Will Regina be able to face the demons of her past in order to face a future with Emma?
Relationships: Daniel Colter/Evil Queen | Regina Mills, Evil Queen | Regina Mills & Snow White | Mary Margaret Blanchard, Evil Queen | Regina Mills/Emma Swan, Evil Queen | Regina Mills/Maleficent, Evil Queen | Regina Mills/Robin Hood, past - Relationship
Comments: 20
Kudos: 139
Collections: Swan Queen Supernova V: Forever Starstruck





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Z_OTAKU19](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Z_OTAKU19/gifts), [vortexofevilkz](https://archiveofourown.org/users/vortexofevilkz/gifts).
  * Inspired by [Two Hearts in the Grey (Art).](https://archiveofourown.org/works/26108431) by [vortexofevilkz](https://archiveofourown.org/users/vortexofevilkz/pseuds/vortexofevilkz). 
  * Inspired by [two hearts in the grey [ART]](https://archiveofourown.org/works/26183863) by [Z_OTAKU19](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Z_OTAKU19/pseuds/Z_OTAKU19). 



> Some backstory for this fic:
> 
> This is not my first time joining SQ BigBang, but this is my first time actually completing it 'til the end--and with multiple submissions, as both author and artist, to boot! Out of all I've done, this one is probably the most challenging. Tbh, I had a completely different fic planned as my Supernova entry, but, well, that one was getting way too long with no end in sight (about 30k and still counting).
> 
> So, halfway through, I decided to switch to a different idea instead. I've had a looot of ideas for BigBang. I ended up going through with this one because it was the one that was most concise, with a clear plot and ending, unlike the rest that were way more open-ended.
> 
> Well, as per usual though, I couldn't help but make it longer than intended, adding more details than planned. Still, I managed to finish it all in time, and I like how it turned out. It's basically a nearly 20k character study on Regina, tbh, since it focuses heavily on her past, and is largely from her POV, so Emma doesn't get as much focus. I might do a sequel someday with Emma POV instead, so we can see some of her thoughts and issues too. 
> 
> Anyway, hope you love reading this as much as I loved writing it <3
> 
> Thank you to the organizers of the BigBang, for the two amazing artists who matched with me and created some beautiful art, and for my beta, @paigelindsey97, for helping me edit this fic, & my cheerleader, @Tayloure, for helping me decide between a bunch of dif ideas for this Big Bang lol.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's Regina and Emma's one year anniversary, and the two of them are basically showering each other with as many romantic cliches and surprises as possible (compensating much? lol)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> no trigger warnings for this chapter; some explicit content though

Regina woke up earlier than usual, her nerves and excitement about today dragging her out of the hands of sleep despite the weariness sustained from the night before. They’d been awake ‘til the early hours having a  _ pre-anniversary celebration _ , as Emma called it. Regina hadn’t disagreed overly much with the ridiculousness of the term after the third orgasm. 

Despite part of her still feeling tired, she knew there wasn’t much point in going back to sleep. She did, however, spend several luxurious minutes just lying in bed, looking at her still sleeping companion. 

A smile formed on her face as she drank in Emma’s relaxed form. Contrary to the way she tended to spread out and carelessly sprawl over the furniture when she was awake, she usually curled into a ball in her sleep. Frankly, it was an adorable sight, and she was reminded of a small furry animal curling up in winter. 

Unfortunately, the reasons behind it were less than wholesome, as the position was a holdover from days of sharing beds and small spaces with other kids in various group homes, which made Regina’s heart sink when she realized it. 

A familiar guilt had stabbed into her. Though she certainly had no hand in the horrible foster system in place for orphans in the Land Without Magic and she had not technically been the one to send her through a wardrobe, it was her vendetta against Snow that had forced her hand, after all. She couldn’t regret where it had all led them, considering it had brought them not only Henry, but each other, but she would forever regret her part in causing Emma such pain. 

Shaking her head, Regina reminded herself that while she couldn't change the past, she could certainly change the present and try to create a better future. 

Today, that involved getting up to make breakfast in bed for her blonde sleeping beauty. Carefully extracting herself from the bed so as not to disturb her, she quietly padded outside to the kitchen. 

It was hard to believe an entire year had already passed since that fateful day where they finally kissed and subsequently confessed their feelings for each other. Or that it had already been five months since Emma had officially moved into the mansion with her. Henry no longer had to split time between two houses, only occasionally sleeping over at his grandparents’ loft or at one of his friends’ houses. 

Despite a villain here and some chaos there, it had been quite possibly the happiest year of her life. 

-

Sometimes, Regina felt like she was living a dream. This was the kind of happiness she’d thought out of her reach for so long, the happy ending she’d thought impossible for a villain, for a girl living under her mother’s cruel thumb. 

It wasn’t exactly the tiny cottage in the woods she’d dreamed of sharing with Daniel and a gaggle of their children, but it was remarkably close in spirit if not in the specifics. 

Now, Regina had found love again, possessed more family that she’d ever expected whom she couldn’t get rid of even if she wanted to, and she very much a hero now, even capable of using light magic. 

It seemed like a miracle, and though part of her still couldn’t help but worry that she’d wake up one day to have it all taken away after all, she tried to live every day in the moment, letting the simple joy suffuse her pores until she smiled despite herself. 

-

Regina was in the middle of cooking when Emma wandered into the kitchen. Her sudden appearance startled her enough that she accidentally smeared a hole in the half-formed pancake she was making on the stove. Frowning at the sight, she shook her head and poured a bit more batter to make the shape proper again.

Once she was satisfied, she turned towards Emma and raised a brow. “Emma, you’re awake early.” 

The blonde usually rose with her alarm and often only after hitting that snooze button a few times. It wasn’t the noise that had woken her, because she’d made sure to throw a silencing spell over the bedroom door before she’d started cooking, because her girlfriend was also quite a light sleeper despite her tendency to sleep in during the mornings.

Trust today to be the one day her girlfriend decided to wake early. Shaking her head, she gestured to the plate with a small stack of pancakes already set up on a small table atop the counter, explaining, “I was hoping to make you breakfast in bed.” 

There was a sheepish expression on Emma’s face as she admitted. “I set an alarm, but I should’ve known you’d beat me to it anyway. I was planning on making you breakfast in bed too. ”

Regina raised a brow, an amused smirk on her face. “You’re going to have to try a bit harder than that, dear.”

“Clearly.” Emma’s eyes sparkled as she grinned.  _ Challenge accepted _ , they said. “Well, I don’t suppose you’d like some help with breakfast?”

Regina shook her head. “It’s alright, dear. I’m almost finished anyway.”

The blonde pouted. “Hey, I’m not completely useless in the kitchen, you know. Contrary to what our son has said. It’s been years since I burned toast, okay! Henry needs to stop being a little shit about it.”

Regina raised a brow. “What did you just call our son?”

“The truth.” Emma said shamelessly. It was true. If they were being completely honest, the kid had always been kind of mouthy, but he’d definitely grown into his sarcastic quips as he’d turned into a teenager. Really, considering who his parents were, nature and nurture had made it inevitable. 

“I ought to wash that mouth with soap.” Regina said, shaking her head. Clearly, she still lived in a world of denial, one where Henry was the cherubic innocent babe who she’d cradled in her arms instead of a 15-year-old boy who was taller than she was (not that this was hard to achieve) and had an appetite bigger than Emma’s. 

“I can think of better things to put in my mouth,” Emma replied, green eyes dark with desire, and Regina felt a jolt of desire down her spine in response. 

It was hard to tell who exactly moved first, but the end result was the same, as they met in a kiss that was perhaps a bit too much for this early hour in the morning. Good thing Henry wasn’t here. Not that it would be the first time he’d seen a similar sight. Their son had perfected the gagging motions that made up his reaction perfectly by now. 

Since Henry had been staying with his grandparents and would be until tomorrow, they had no audience forcing them to cool their ardor for each other. You’d think after a year together, their honeymoon period would have worn off, but literal  _ years _ of pent up sexual tension took a lot of time to blow off. 

The smell of burnt pancakes was a very effective killer of any passions though. Startled into action, Regina quickly switched off the stove, before waving away the glaring results of their distraction with a flash of magic, thankfully clearing the air of any unpleasant scents along with it. 

Regina shook her head at the wasted pancake, but there was an amused twitch to her lips she didn’t bother to hide. “Why don’t we eat some breakfast first? And then we can have some dessert after.”

“Wow, dessert at this hour? Won’t I be ruining my appetite?”

Regina scoffed, before her lips formed a confident smirk. “Something tells me that won’t be happening anytime soon.”

Instead of their failed breakfast in bed, they shared breakfast by the kitchen table. Regina’s stack of plain pancakes were topped with several kinds of fruit, a small dollop of fresh cream and some honey. 

Catering to her girlfriend’s childish sweet tooth for today, Emma’s stack was filled with chocolate chips inside, doused in maple syrup, topped with a lot of whipped cream mixed with various nuts and sprinkles. It was a tooth-rotting monstrosity, in her opinion, but Emma’s bright green eyes lit up in excitement at the sight, so she held back any comments about cavities or diabetes. 

She knew part of Emma’s childish excitement over sweet treats traced back to a childhood spent largely without it. That was something Regina could understand intimately, having grown under a diet managed by her mother and later her husband’s watchful eye on her waistline. She understood the urge to indulge yourself to the point of sickness just because you now could, because she had done that too. 

It hadn’t taken her long to realize she didn’t actually have much of a sweet tooth though. How much that was due to a lifetime under her old habits was something she would never now. Still, even if she did still stick to a mainly healthy diet, she had learned how to treat herself every once in a while. Like today. Her own stack of pancakes was just decadent enough to feel like a treat without being too sweet to make her sick. 

As they both enjoyed breakfast together (even if it wasn’t in bed like they’d both apparently planned), Emma spoke up through a bite of pancake, “I’ve been thinking.” 

“Careful not to overheat your pretty little head, dear,” Regina couldn’t resist quipping.

Emma rolled her eyes, ignoring the comment as she continued, “As I was saying, I’ve been thinking, considering what just happened with our breakfast plans—you’ve got something else planned for today too, don’t you?”

“I’m assuming by your phrasing that you also have plans then.”

“Yeah. So, instead of just having it be a first come, first serve deal like breakfast, why don’t we decide on it now? We still have lunch and dinner left for today. Why don’t we each take one to plan a surprise for?”

Regina narrowed her eyes, thinking over the suggestion. She had already set some things in motion, but it wouldn’t be too hard to cancel them. Besides, she did like the idea of getting her own surprise from Emma too. This way they both got to have their cake and eat it too, in a way. “Alright. How do we decide who takes what?”

“Well, you’ve already gotten breakfast, so I should take dinner, since I can also plan for after, and you can have our shorter lunch break.” 

The logic was surprisingly sound, so Regina had trouble making a counterargument. She supposed Emma had a point, anyhow, so she found herself nodding. “Okay. I’ll plan a surprise for lunch and you can plan one for dinner.”

“Perfect!” Emma exclaimed, face splitting into such a brilliant victorious grin that Regina wondered if perhaps she’d fallen right into her trap somehow. Oh well, she supposed there were worse things in the world. How bad could it be when it made Emma so happy, really? 

Shaking her head, Regina suggested, “Why don’t we get back to breakfast?” 

“Which is delicious, by the way.” Emma said, slowly licking a syrupy finger. Her eyes zoomed into the motion, finding that while her hunger may have been sated by the pancakes, she was now experiencing a very different kind of hunger. 

Quirking a seductive smile, Regina said suggestively, “It’s not the only thing  _ delicious _ , I’m sure.” 

“Oh? I think I’ll need to have a taste too,” Emma’s returning look was all smolder. The effect  _ should’ve _ been ruined by the little bits of pancake that had ended up stuck to the side of her mouth, but somehow, it  _ wasn’t _ . Dear god, Regina was truly gone for this woman. 

“I think it’s time for dessert now.” Regina said firmly, eyes alight with desire. There were many things she wanted to do to her willing girlfriend, but, unfortunately, they were on a bit of a time crunch. 

Their earlier wake up call had given them some leeway but not enough. This would have to be quick. Thank god for magic, Regina thought, as one wave of her hand had the dishes cleaned and another brought them both to the bedroom, already divested of their clothing.

Emma looked down at their naked bodies. Her lips twitched into a vaguely smug smirk. “Impatient much?” 

“Shut up and fuck me.” Regina ordered imperiously, every inch the queen she once was. 

Never let it be said that Emma Swan did not know how to follow directions. Emma practically devoured her mouth after that, enjoying dessert immensely, especially as her mouth moved down.

Of course, the blonde also had a rebellious streak a mile wide, and she could not stop herself from quipping, just before giving a playful bite along Regina’s thigh. “Looks like we’ll be eating in bed after all.” 

Regina’s responding eye roll had its effect ruined by a startled cry, as Emma sucked at her clit. There wasn’t much talking after that, just her breathy moans and the slightly embarrassing yet even more arousing slurping noises as Emma eagerly ate out her wet cunt. 

When she finally slipped a finger, then two inside her pussy, curling it just right, Regina arched her back, Emma’s name slipping from her throat as she climaxed. 

As her heartbeat slowed back down, she relished in the sweet calm of post-osgasmic bliss. Her head cleared enough to remind her they only had so much time before they needed to get to work, and Regina was not going to leave until she had a taste of Emma too. 

But before Regina could start to return the favor and have a taste of her own dessert, Emma spoke up, eying the various hickies littering her body with a possessive gleam, “Don’t magic off the marks today.”

Regina frowned. There was a reason she normally hid the marks. Because they could get very excessive and much as she enjoyed seeing them herself, she didn’t like the idea of everyone else seeing it too. 

It was a defense mechanism of sorts from a lifetime of hiding her love, of her mother’s teachings ringing in her ears, of too many unfriendly eyes watching her every move, but she still had some troubles with public displays of affection. 

There was also the matter of not traumatizing their son or any other family members with their active sex life, and the relentless gossips that seemed to compose most of the citizens of Storybrooke. But as Emma continued to look pleadingly at her, she could feel her resistance slipping away all too easily.

“Fine.” She relented. It was their anniversary, after all. “But you’re going to handle Snow and her inevitable screeching about ‘porn’ and any comments from the wolf. Our son is going to be a ‘little shit’ as you so succinctly put it too.” 

“Our son is always a little shit anyway, and don’t pretend you don’t enjoy rubbing our relationship in front of my mother’s face.” Emma rolled her eyes, shuddering a little as she recalled some of their past close calls, and the one time when Snow had seen far too much. 

There were definitely some things you did not want your mother to see. Your girlfriend’s o-face was definitely one of them, especially not when said girlfriend was also once their stepmother. “You definitely  _ knew _ she was there that time and you still didn’t stop.”

“Emma, I was a hair’s breadth away from an orgasm. Nothing was going to stop me, not even Snow White’s annoying face.” Regina stated matter-of-factly, not at all bothered by the blonde’s embarrassment. Reformed or not, she definitely took far too much pleasure in needling Snow still. 

Knowing this was a lost cause, Emma merely sighed. They were getting off track, after all, and they were definitely running out of time. Her body was still thrumming with arousal, and the throb between her thighs reminded her she still hadn’t orgasmed. So, raising a brow, she asked, voice strained with sexual frustration, “...Are we going to argue or are we going to continue this? Because we’re going to be late for work.”

In response, Regina captured her lips in another searing kiss. After they parted for breath, she started moving her lips over to the blonde’s neck. If Emma was going to leave marks, she needed to return the favor, in more ways than one. 

Flipping their positions so that she was now the one straddling the blonde, she started to set about giving her girlfriend an orgasm worthy of starting their anniversary day. 

“Mine.” She growled into Emma’s ear, before she bit into her pale skin, drawing a gasp out of the blonde’s mouth, as she responded, “Yours.” 

Another orgasm, plenty of love bites and one messy bed cleaned by magic later, they were both in the bathroom—different ones, taking separate showers, because anytime they shared a shower, very little cleaning actually occurred. 

They were both used to getting ready quickly, and helped along by magic, they were soon ready for the day. Anniversary or not, they did still have some actual jobs to do, after all. Making their separate ways, they shared a quick kiss goodbye as Emma headed for the sheriff’s station, while Regina made her way to the mayor’s office. 

-

As expected, the highly visible marks all over her neck and collar, coupled with her being slightly late, drew her quite a few looks. It was only Regina’s practice at keeping a neutral mask that kept her from flushing in embarrassment at some of the more blatantly suggestive stares shot at her. Thankfully, most people had enough sense to not actually say anything about it to her face. Reformed or not, pissing off the ex-Evil Queen was hardly a smart idea. 

It was a good thing she had her own private office away from prying eyes most of the time. Once she was inside the safety of it, she allowed her shoulders to relax and a smile to grow on her face at the thought of Emma. Today was their one year anniversary, she thought again, feeling a little like a giddy teenager. 

The thought was tempered by the saddening realization that she’d never even made it to this landmark when she was an actual teenager. Daniel had died before they could reach it, just a few weeks shy of it too. By the time of their anniversary, Regina had been married to another man, one who she would grow to hate more than any other over the course of their marriage. 

Regina forcibly shook away thoughts of Leopold. Today was a  _ good _ day, and the last thing she wanted was to have it ruined by memories of the past. 

Even when mostly at peace, there was plenty to do as mayor of Storybrooke, so she was soon lost in a world of paperwork on town ordinances and calls to various members of the city council. 

Halfway through the morning, there was a knock on her door. Her secretary was looking all too amused as she informed her about a delivery of flowers and chocolates. Even without the accompanying card, the sender was obvious. 

Their agreement on surprising each other for lunch and dinner didn’t include any surprises for other points of the day. She wasn’t surprised to see that they had been on the same wavelength about this, as Emma could be receiving her own gifts at the sheriff’s station right about now. 

Ignoring her secretary’s knowing smile, Regina took the gifts into her office, only opening the card once she was alone again. The message was short and to the point, and it came with a little doodle of a cake with a candle shaped in the number one: 

_ To Regina _

_ Happy one-year anniversary! One of many, many more in the future ;) _

_ Emma  _

Smiling at her girlfriend’s silliness, she turned her attention towards the gifts in question. The bouquet was composed of various kinds of purple and yellow flowers. The implications of the color choices were rather obvious, and Regina’s smile grew wider at seeing it. She transferred the flowers into a vase she’d conjured up and placed them at her desk. 

Swiping open her phone, she texted her girlfriend, a grin pulling at the edges of her mouth as she saw the reply. 

-

At the sheriff’s office, right about the same time, Emma was receiving her own gifts for the day. Regina had also ordered flowers, but knowing her girlfriend didn’t like the real thing much, chose edible faux flowers instead, which her seemingly bottomless appetite would appreciate no doubt. 

The colorful flowers made of hard candy, chocolate and spun sugar were both beautiful and delicious, as Emma quickly discovered when she popped on in her mouth. As she happily munched on a candy rose, she read through the accompanying card:

_ Dearest Emma _

_ You are as sweet as candy and as beautiful as a flower.  _

_ From Regina _

A chime from her phone drew her attention. She grinned as soon as she saw the name pop up on her notifications.

-

**Regina** : Thank you for the gifts. 

**Regina** : The flowers are beautiful, and the color combination is particularly appropriate.

**Emma** : Ur welcome :D

**Emma** : D colors were a no brainer :P

**Emma** : Tnx for ur gifts too <3

**Emma** : the candy flowers r  _ almost _ as sweet as u ;)

**Regina** : Flatterer.

**Emma** : Ur the flatterer. Sweet  _ and _ beautiful? 

**Emma** : ur gonna give me a big head, lol

**Regina** : It could never be as big as your stomach, dear.

**Emma** : :(

**Emma** : i take it back

**Emma** : ur a meanie >:(

**Regina** : They don’t call me the Evil Queen for nothing.

-

Regina rolled her eyes at her phone, but could not help the smile that appeared on her face at the same time. Though her girlfriend continuing to text like an illiterate made her scrunch her nose every time she saw it, she couldn’t help but be charmed by the contents anyway. 

That was Emma Swan in a nutshell. Or maybe that was love being blind. At some point, she’d started to find all the things that might’ve once annoyed her as adorable instead. Whatever the case, she found herself more happy and content than ever, which was reason enough not to look a gift horse in the mouth. 

Working through the rest of the morning with efficiency and only slight distraction as she confirmed her plans for lunch, she found noon drawing closer, and thus, making her distraction grow. 

As per their agreement during breakfast, the blonde got to surprise her with dinner, while she was left with their far shorter lunch hour to do something special. It was definitely the shorter end of the stick, but Regina was determined to make the most of it. 

Thankfully, she had the power of magic and mayorship on her side. She’d already made the preparations well in advance, and postponed the ones she’d initially planned for dinner—a romantic dinner for two at the lighthouse, while looking up at the stars—for a later date. 

For their anniversary lunch, Granny’s diner was their own private venue for the next two hours. Some powerful silencing spells kept any nosy wolves out, ensuring total privacy. Short of an emergency, they would not be disturbed by anyone. 

Admittedly, it was not exactly the most romantic of venues, but it had played a background to so many family gatherings, dates and heroic planning that Regina could admit she had a certain soft spot for it through sheer Stockholm Syndrome alone. Besides, they’d had breakfast at Granny’s the morning after that first night they’d spent together romantically. 

For that alone, it seemed right to be here again on their anniversary, she thought, feeling rather sentimental. 

As the clock finally hit noon, she texted Emma to meet her at Granny’s. Not bothering to wait for a reply, she quickly transported herself to the diner. A few moments later, there was a familiar tingle of magic, and Emma appeared as well, grinning, “Couldn’t be bothered to drive either, huh?”

“We are running on a time constraint, after all.” Regina pointed out, smirking. “And we are both capable of a simple transportation spell.”

“Yeah, I can  _ poof _ with the best of them now.” Emma concurred, grin growing wider at the scrunch to Regina’s nose. 

“And yet you are still incapable of naming the spell correctly, I see.” Regina sighed, shaking her head. “Let’s head inside, Emma, before I rethink why I am in love with such a  _ child _ .”

Emma laughed, knowing the threat was entirely empty. There was a teasing glint in her eyes as she noted, quite rightly, “I don’t think my eating habits and table manners are going to change your mind about that.”

“Well, at least your mouth will be too busy to talk back, then,” Regina shot back with a roll of her eyes. Before Emma could say anything else in response, she placed a hand on the blonde’s lower back as she steered them both inside the diner. “Now, hush and get in. We’re on a time limit here, dear.”

Emma allowed herself to be guided inside, though she was internally preparing a good comeback regardless. The words died in her throat though as she was distracted by the sight that greeted her. 

Granny’s diner was decorated with various flowers, and in their usual spot, there was a veritable feast prepared. Perhaps the most glaring detail though, was what was missing. Namely, the other customers.

“Did you rent out Granny’s just for us?” Emma asked, stunned.

“Yes,” Regina responded smugly. 

“Why do I suspect some ulterior motives for renting out this establishment, Madame Mayor?” Emma teased, eyes glinting.

“Hmm, perhaps,” Regina played coy, but the look in her eyes was still a bit too much like the cat that ate the canary to full it off. 

It was an annoyingly attractive look on the former queen, and Emma normally struggled not to kiss it off her. Today, she had no such reservations, and thus, thoroughly smudged Regina’s red lipstick off as she caught her in a passionate kiss.

Once they broke for air, Emma suggested, a little breathlessly, “I can’t believe I’m saying this, but why don’t we just skip lunch?” 

Regina raised a brow, a teasing smile on her smug kissable lips. “Found something better to eat, have you?” 

Instead of answering verbally, Emma leaned over, pressing her mouth over the pulse  at her neck, which had jumped at the sudden contact. Regina leaned into it, a moan slipping from her. 

Of course, it was right as Emma had started blindly unbuttoning Regina’s shirt while they both maintained a searing kiss that the blonde’s stomach decided to ruin the moment yet again with a rather loud growl. 

“Shit.” Emma summed up with an embarrassed sigh, as they broke off their lips from each other. “My own stomach has betrayed me by cockblocking me.” 

Regina laughed, and dragged them towards the booth with all the food. “The faster you finish, the faster we can get back to it, dear.” As if Emma needed more motivation to eat. 

Lunch was composed of all of Emma’s favorites at Granny’s. Once she saw the generous spread, Emma was a blur of motion as she stacked up her plate, mouth eagerly tasting as the dishes as though it were her first time eating them, and not the upteenth time.

Regina rolled her eyes fondly as she got through her own plate at a far more sedate pace. 

“No lecture about how I’m going to die from a heart attack?” Emma asked, after she all but decimated an entire plate of fries all on her own in no time at all. 

“Not  _ today _ , dear.” Regina emphasized. 

Though less tangible than all the other, another of her gifts was a lack of a lecture about how unhealthy all of these favorites were. As with breakfast, she figured it was fine for one day. Today was a special occasion, and she could use a treat. Tomorrow, she’d start slipping some vegetables and fruit into her girlfriend’s diet again. 

Seeing the grin light up her girlfriend’s face as she eagerly dug into the food, she suspected it might’ve been Emma’s favorite “gift” so far. The woman always pouted like a child every time Regina attempted to introduce a hint of green to her diet, after all. 

They returned to eating, making some conversation in between, but after one too many times of Emma speaking through a mouth full of food, Regina huffed in exasperation. “Emma, just eat already. Please contain your mouth to one use at a time.”

Emma gave a sheepish nod, focusing on chewing the chicken still in her mouth. Seemingly especially motivated now, it took less time than it should’ve for Emma to get through the impressive spread. She didn’t finish everything, because there was far too much for only two people even if one was her. But Regina had them magicked into containers ready for home the instant it was clear Emma would not be eating another bite. 

“Dear god, I’m stuffed. I can’t eat another bite.” Emma groaned, patting her stomach, which was definitely satisfied now. 

Regina raised a brow. “Not another bite, hmm?” 

Seeing as all the cake and pie was sealed up too, she clearly didn’t mean food. Emma was no fool, and she straightened up immediately, eying Regina in a way that was decidedly  _ hungry _ , if of a different sort. “Well, perhaps I can be convinced to open my mouth for a certain other kind of treat.”

The gaze directed right at her breasts made the intent quite clear, and Regina couldn’t help but laugh at the bluntness of it. Despite her own growing arousal, she also could not help but tease, “Hmm, I don’t know, dear. I’m feeling a bit full at the moment, aren’t you?” 

Emma raised a brow, “Are you really going to waste the effort you made of keeping any other customers out of the diner right now?”

“Fair point. That would just be wasteful, which would be just terrible,” Regina concurred, which was all the signal Emma needed to jump up from her seat and lock Regina in a searing kiss. 

There wasn’t much talking after that. As clothing began to grow in a haphazard pile around them, Emma took great pleasure in running her teeth over the marks she’d made this morning. All in the name of making certain they wouldn’t fade over the course of the day or night. Despite the lingering pain, Regina could hardly refuse. Turnabout was definitely fair play, however, as she traced the marks she made on Emma with her own mouth.

-

All in all, it was a very successful anniversary, Regina concluded, as they both briefly basked in the afterglow. After both of them were thoroughly sated, having taken their fill of each other, it was thankfully only a matter of magic to get them, and the diner, presentable again. 

Still, there was no doubt Granny was going to pissed when she inevitably realized how they’d throughly desecrated her diner during their anniversary lunch together. Though the place had been magically cleaned of any  _ fluids _ left behind, magic left its own signature, and the old werewolf’s senses were strong enough that she would definitely scent the distinct stench of magic over certain areas of the diner and figure out the reason for it. 

That was a problem for a future though, because for now, they both needed to go back to work. They had taken a bit too long for their lunch breaks, which might’ve been a problem, but really, who was going to bother them about it? Regina was the Mayor and Emma was the Sheriff, after all, and that wasn’t even taking into account the fact that they were both royalty and the town’s magical defense squad.

The rest of their afternoon was spent back at work, which seemed to drag on inordinately long, really. Admittedly, doing paperwork was hardly the most stimulating of activities, but Regina was typically able to get through it adequately enough. Today, it took her several times to read through a single paragraph. 

Just as she found her attention was waning most, her secretary informed her of another delivery. 

This time it was a basket full of chocolates. Not just any chocolates though. The chocolate was a mix of various kinds of expensive and exotic chocolates. There was lots of dark chocolate with a truly extravagant cacao content, several ones mixed with various nuts and fruit, and some with unique ingredients, like different kinds of teas, spices or flowers. There was one large bar of dark chocolate with a particularly intriguing mixture of lemon and chili peppers in it. 

The brand was familiar too, it was the same one she bought and kept in her own stash for moments of rare indulgence. Regina smiled at the sight. Today felt like a day for such indulgences, she thought, as she unwrapped the bar and broke off a piece. It was delicious, the combination of nearly all the taste sensations possible, sweet, spicy, sour and bitter melded together in impressive harmony. Her secret stash was conveniently running low, so this gift would be perfect for replenishing its stock.

Meanwhile, at the sheriff’s station, there was another delivery as well. This time, it was a stuffed dog even larger than the morning’s candy bouquet. The dog was soft to the touch, its yellow fur feeling light as a feather against Emma’s hand as she stroked its pelt. 

-

**Regina** : I see despite your own terrible taste in sweets, you can recognize good chocolate, after all.

**Regina** : Thank you for the gift, dear.

**Emma** : wat can i say, im just sweet like that ;)

**Emma** : tho full disclosure, i may have called in reinforcements for it

**Emma** : aka our son

**Regina** : I’ll be sure to thank him as well, then

**Emma:** tnx for ur gift! 

**Emma:** he is absolutely adorable

**Emma** : just like me ;)

**Emma** : tho I’d like to think i’m a little tougher than a puppy dog :/

**Regina** : Hmm… Perhaps you will need to show off your strength as proof. 

**Emma** : u cn stare at my abs anytime 

**Regina** : Oh, I’ll be doing more than staring.

**Emma** : is that a promise?

**Regina** : For tonight, yes

**Emma** : i cnt wait!!

-

Thankfully for both their sakes, the rest of the afternoon passed swiftly enough, though they probably spent more time texting each other than working earnestly, as Regina tried to tease hints about dinner from the blonde. Emma had been tightlipped, however, aside from a plea for her to wear boots not heels. Clearly, it was going to be an outdoors sort of surprise, she surmised. 

As the afternoon grew longer, there were also a few check-in texts with Henry, who was hanging out with his friends after school. It was a common event now that he was older and building a life outside of his family. He was a full-fledged teenager now, and a  _ mostly _ responsible one, but Regina couldn’t help but to worry anyway. 

It was easier, after she and Emma had gotten together. A new relationship—even if it was really an old relationship too—was a wonderful black hole for time and attention. It helped too, that it was with Emma, who understood her sentiments perfectly. 

Speaking of knowing her well. Finally, the time had arrived. Just as Regina finished up her work for the day, or at least, managed to arrange for things to be put off to tomorrow, she received Emma’s text to meet her outside.

Emma picked her up in the office, though thankfully not in her yellow bug. She may have grown to have a bit of a soft spot for it after all these years, but she’d still rather  _ not _ take a drive in it if she could help it. 

Before Regina could even ask where they were going, Emma took hold of her hand and transported them both in a flash of white smoke. Enveloped in the familiar warmth of Emma’s magic, she smiled. It was almost funny to remember a time when the blonde had struggled with the most basic of magical tasks, including “poofing”, as she called it. Now, it was as second nature to her as it was to Regina.

The sun was just starting to set as they arrived at their destination. There were the soft sounds of nature all around them, birds chirping and various furry footed animals scurrying about. The pleasing mixture of yellows, reds and oranges in the backdrop made the trees in the forest seem to glow. 

“The woods, Emma, really?” Regina asked, as she took in the sight, raising a skeptical brow that was mostly for show.

“Don’t pretend you aren’t a nature girl at heart.” Emma teased, knowing her girlfriend too well by now to buy into the offended act. 

It was easy to assume the formidable Madame Mayor, in all her fancy suits and heels, wouldn’t step foot onto the dirt road unless she was dragged across it. But the woman had grown up in the Enchanted  _ Forest _ , after all, even if it was as a princess and later as a queen. 

Somewhere beneath it all was the girl who had been eager to run away with a stable boy off to places that would definitely dirty one’s petticoats, and the unwilling queen whose soulmate after his unfortunate death, had been a man who literally lived in a forest. 

Of course, just because Regina wouldn’t actually mind roughing it as much as one might assume didn’t mean Emma wasn’t going to spoil her regardless. So, with a grin and flourish, she promised, “Anyway, I came prepared for us to dine in the best of forest luxury, don’t worry.”

Still holding her hand, she guided her into the woods. It was obvious when they reached their destination, because in a clearing close enough to the river to hear its rushing water, there was a thick blanket set up on the ground, with a picnic basket on it. 

Deciding to show off a little, with a blast of magic aimed at the basket, the plates and cutlery inside started floating and moving on their own. There was a bottle of wine inside too, and it uncorked itself and poured some of its vintage spoils into two crystal glasses. Emma reached for both stems once they were full, and handed one to Regina. Raising hers in the air, she knocked it lightly against the other glass, “Cheers!” 

As the forest around them grew dark, Emma conjured up several balls of light around their blanket, illuminating the area around them in a soft golden glow. Intimate, romantic and quite literally magical, it was the perfect way to end a wonderful anniversary. 

-

It had been a long and bumpy road for her and Emma to get to the point, of course. Years and years of fights against each other as well as a whole host of foes before they reached their happy ending. 

There had been something bubbling beneath their interactions for a long time.

Emma had gone from being her mortal enemy (who, alright, in hindsight, she could admit to finding very attractive even at their first meeting) to being someone who could get a smile out of her even when she was being ridiculously annoying. 

_ Love again, _ Daniel had told her, right before he’d died a second time in her arms, this time, by her own hand. As she’d watched the light fade from his eyes yet again, Regina had stubbornly refused his final requent. 

Daniel Colter had been her  _ one _ true love, she thought. But somewhere along the way, she’d fallen in love anyway. 

Somewhere along the way, Regina had fallen in love with Emma Swan.

It wasn’t the kind of love between two starry-eyed and hopeful teenagers who were convinced they could conquer the world so long as they had each other. Though they were certainly much more magically powerful, as the numerous enemies they’d beaten together proved, they weren’t half as naive about it. There was none of the sweetness and innocence of first love. 

It also wasn’t pixie dust mandated love between soulmates. Robin had been a good man, and it was easy to see how they could’ve been meant to be together. Though their relationship had been fraught with many problems, most of it had been external in nature. It had been remarkably easy for them to get along, and she felt safe around him—enough to literally give him her heart for safekeeping, in fact. 

In that way, he reminded her of Daniel. So did Emma, really, if she was being honest. They were all such good, humble and salt-of-the-earth people at heart, with just enough roguish charm to sweep her off her feet. 

Mal had been somewhat of an exception to the rule, but then again, it had been a particularly turbulent period in both their lives, after all, so it made sense in a way too. Still, despite the title of Mistress of Evil, Mal had never been truly evil, never needlessly cruel or sadistic. 

Regardless, there was clearly a pattern to the people she’d loved and lost here, and though Regina wasn’t going to admit it out loud, she definitely had a  _ type _ . 

-

They were all the embodiment of everything Mother hated, because Regina was just a complete walking cliche, it seemed. 

But considering where it had led her, here to Emma’s arms, having a picnic dinner in the woods for their anniversary dinner, she found that she didn’t really mind. Besides, a bit of that rebellious teenager inside of her did so enjoy pissing off her mother. 

Regina was definitely impressed and touched, feeling herself falling a little more in love, as she pressed a soft kiss of appreciation on her girlfriend’s lips. She tasted like wine and forest, and something distinctly Emma underneath. When they broke apart to look at each other, Regina felt happier than she ever thought possible. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Emma's last surprise proves to be a less than pleasant one--at least to Regina, whose demons are not quite as dead and buried in the past, after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warnings for: marital rape and abuse, domestic violence, PTSD, flashbacks, unhealthy coping mechanisms

The dinner was going _very_ well. 

_She should've known it wouldn’t last._

The food was good, full of a mixture of both their favorites, which were thankfully also different ones from what they had at lunch. Conversation flowed lightly and freely, as did the wine, which lowered their inhibitions splendidly. Coupled with an undercurrent of their usual simmering sexual tension underneath, it seemed as though an impromptu romp in the woods was rather inevitable.

Before Regina could start to move it in that direction by leaning in with a kiss, Emma pressed a finger to her lips. She laughed, saying quickly. “Okay, as much as I’d love to have some kinky outdoor sex with you right now, I have one last surprise for you.”

Regina raised a brow, amused and just slightly frustrated at the interruption. She had no idea what else to expect at this point, but she was eager to find out. Until she very much wasn’t. 

Because, just then, Emma kneeled down on one knee, and time seemed to slow, as the realization of what was about to happen hit her like a lightning strike. 

The smile on her face froze, and her blood turned to ice. _No_ , Regina thought desperately. _This couldn’t be happening. Not again._

Unaware of the maelstrom growing in Regina’s mind, Emma was busy taking something out of her jacket pocket—a small velvet box, which she was soon opening in her hands. The shiny ring inside left little doubt as to exactly what was happening here, especially not with the next words to leave her mouth. 

“Will you marry me?”

Regina could only stand frozen in place, unable to say a word. The wary hope in Emma’s eyes started to dim, as she took in the ensuing silence and the expression on the brunette’s face. 

“ _I can’t—_ “ Regina managed to choke out, before panic made her throat tighten again. 

-

There were many things that she regretted as the Evil Queen, so many people who died in the midst of her madness. So much blood was on her hands, and sometimes, the very weight of all the guilt that translated to was threatening to bring her down. 

There were so many she wished she could bring back to life, so many deaths she wished to undo. But her dear husband was _never_ one of them. 

-

On the night of King Leopold’s funeral, while the rest of the kingdom mourned, Regina had a private celebration, lips breaking out into a giddy smile as she drank wine and ate whatever she wanted free from her husband’s pointed remarks. 

Almost immediately after, heedless of the whispers it caused, she’d had her things moved into a different room with a different bed. As she stretched out beneath its unfamiliar canopy, she’d felt younger and more alive than she had in years. Leopold was dead and Snow White was ousted from the castle, both of her jailors finally gone.

She would never be married again. That was the vow to herself that night. She would never allow herself to be put into such a terrible position again, Regina promised herself, in a desperate attempt to soothe the hurt of that poor broken girl of the past.

-

Frankly though, it had mostly been a hollow promise, because no one wanted to marry the Evil Queen anyway. That had been the one boon being damned as a villain had given her. 

Even after she’d found herself on the side of the series, sharing a son with the Saviour herself, she’d never thought that would change. Reformed or not, she was sure no one would want to marry the Evil Queen still. 

No one, except Emma Swan, apparently.

-

In hindsight, perhaps Regina should’ve said something before this. But, somehow, even in her wildest dreams, the thought had never occurred to her that this would happen. Yes, they were happy in their relationship, but that didn’t mean anything. That didn’t mean _marriage_.

In hindsight, she should’ve realized that of course Emma would want to marry her, with all the promises of forever, with her parents and their perfect storybook marriage dangling over her head all the time. She didn’t have anywhere near the same reservations Regina had over the topic. 

But they were so often on the same wavelength about these things and they usually knew the other well enough that they’d left many of their darker truths unspoken with no issue before. 

Clearly, that was a mistake. 

Because right now, Emma Swan was still staring at her and waiting for a response, with sad, _sad_ eyes, as she realized this was not going to go the way she hoped after all—-and Regina just _couldn’t handle it anymore._

-

Ever since Regina had become the Evil Queen, her fight or flight response in high-stress situations was firmly set to _fight_. 

That deep-seated rage which Rumplestiltskin had so carefully stoked through all those terrible years in the Enchanted Forest was an ever-present hum beneath her skin, just like the dark magic which it powered. 

But before that turning point, before she’d channeled rage into magical willpower, when she was just a girl with a mother who hurt her instead of loved her, she’d only wanted to run away. Against her mother’s magic and manipulations, her instincts had been well-honed for _flight_.

Right now, Regina was very much that poor terrified girl, who had ended up trapped in an unwanted marriage in a cold castle, and only ever wanted to run away from that gilded cage. 

-

So she _ran_. 

Regina turned away and ran an unsteady line through the woods. In her panic, she completely forgot about the magic she could’ve easily used to transport her instead. 

That was a critical mistake, because Emma was able to catch up to her easily, despite the head start, considering her superior physical abilities and experience hunting down perps as a bail bondsperson. Of course, the fact that Regina wasn’t exactly talking very clearly and running completely on instinct, made things even easier.

Suddenly, she was close enough to shout, “Regina, wait!” 

At the call, she only ran faster. It was a futile effort, and an instant later, Emma managed to cut in front of her, holding her hands out to stop her. Regina tried to swerve away, to avoid the hand grabbing for her, but she was too slow. Before she could do anything else, the blonde had her firmly wrapped around her arms, easily resisting Regina’s panicked attempts to break free.

“Are you okay?” Emma asked, before wincing at her own words. “Right, stupid question. Obviously you aren’t okay at all.” 

Regina blinked, slow and unsteady, before clarity came to her like a spear shattering through glass, sudden and sharp. _Had she really just tried to run like that?_ Her face flushed with shame and embarrassment at the realization. Looking into Emma’s sad worried eyes, she felt a hot flash of guilt. 

She gave a short self-deprecating laugh, but her eyes were so very sad. “I guess this is one way to say no.”

Regina flinched, unable to look at those eyes any longer as guilt stabbed through her again, before drowning in the whirl of other emotions swirling unpleasantly inside her.

As she looked down at herself, she realized her sudden run through the woods had made her quite a mess. She was bleeding, in several places actually. _When had that happened?_

At some point, she must’ve cut herself, on some stray pieces of wood or rock or something. But she couldn’t even remember. She hadn’t even noticed, really. Her clothes and her person were all dirtied from the dirt and leaves. 

“I’m a mess.” The words slipped out before she could stop them. They were certainly true in more ways than one. 

“Yeah, running through the woods in a panic will do that.” Emma replied, addressing only the most surface meaning. Her voice was carefully light, but the undercurrent of emotion underneath was too strong to hide completely. 

“I…” Regina wasn’t sure what to say. She looked away, towards the trees that surrounded them. _What could she even say?_ Nothing could possibly make it better, or fix what had long been broken. 

“Please don’t run away again.” Emma pleaded, voice breaking slightly. “I’ll take you home. Or, we can just poof home, okay?”

Regina gave a tentative nod, and they instantly disappeared in a flash of white smoke, before reappearing in the mansion’s living room. Having Emma’s magic wrap around her was the equivalent of receiving a magical hug, and she shivered a little against the familiar hum of it. 

“Let me help you clean up,” Emma said, slowly moving closer, like she was approaching a skittish animal. 

Regina pulled back anyway, snapping, “I can do it myself.” 

The words made Emma freeze in place, eyes wide, and she was simultaneously thankful and uneasy about it. At the moment, the thought of Emma putting her hands anywhere near her was far too much for her to handle. 

Crossing her arms defensively around herself, Regina quietly said, “I’d like to be alone.” 

For a moment, it looked like Emma would protest, expression frustrated and concerned. But then, as she watched Regina curl in on herself, she deflated, muttering, “...okay.” 

Emma left without another word, casting one last glance at her back before disappearing out the door, and the sound of it softly closing shut was the only disturbance to the silence that had fallen over the house. 

When she was sure she was alone, Regina finally let the tears fall. 

-

Being married to Leopold had been… _unpleasant_ , to say the least.

Even decades later, she still sometimes woke up gasping from the memories of it. Time was supposed to heal all wounds, but some were clearly too deep for that. 

She rarely ever screamed though. Her mother had trained her from an early age to keep quiet, hating the noises she made, especially at night. The lack of any outlet for her terror and fear had only made her chronic nightmares worse. 

Over the years, most of her dreams had been overwritten with all the myriad of terrible things she’d done as the Evil Queen. Especially after having Henry and taking the steps to walk back towards the light after so many years in the dark, she’d have terrible dreams of blood and death, all by her hand, and she’d wake up feeling guilty. 

Yet, despite how horrible they were, she still preferred it to her other nightmares. The ones of Daniel dying, over and over again, the ones where Henry decided she was too evil to redeem after all, and the ones that were really memories of mother and her magic as she was punished for some infraction or another all over again. 

And sometimes, perhaps worst of all, there were the ones about the king, which would still slip through and devastate the defenses she’d built up over the years like they were nothing. 

Even after everything she’d done, all the magic and power thrumming in her veins, those nightmares reminded her that she was still human, still _weak_ , after all. She hated that feeling more than anything, and she thought she’d rather suffer through a thousand nightmares of battles and death and guilt instead, which didn’t make her feel very reformed. 

-

Nightmares had become a rarity when sleeping with Emma. Most of it was the fact that Regina was in a happy place in her life for the first time in a long time, and it translated to fewer subconscious anxieties that would manifest itself in her sleep. But part of it was having the blonde’s warm comforting weight next to her. It was a comforting reminder that she was no longer alone.

-

Regina was all alone now, and she had no one to blame but herself. 

The house was quiet, death silent. There was no one else around, now that Emma had gone. Henry was sleeping over at a friend’s house, happily taking advantage of his mothers’ anniversary to spend time with his friends. At least the fact that he wasn’t spending it with his grandparents meant he wouldn’t find out what happened until tomorrow or later. The arrangement had been a nice bit of foresight, though it would be put to use in a way far different from intended now. 

What would Henry think, she wondered, as her mind spun a series of depressing answers for her. There was a part of her terrified he’d look at her with those angry, accusing eyes and call her a villain again for ruining their happy ending. He was older now, and he understood that the world wasn’t so black and white anymore. But this was different, wasn’t it? 

In the quiet, her thoughts rang too loud. There wasn’t even any noise coming from outside to help balance it out either. For once, the town was all too quiet, free of the usual chaos and mayhem that seemed to habitually plague it. 

_No, that wasn’t quite right,_ she corrected. Storybrooke had been having a long stretch of peaceful days lately, and it had been some time since the last villain had come wreaking havoc in the town. As both its mayor and designated magical hero, Regina was generally grateful for the break. 

Tonight though, she found herself quite desperately wishing for some new villain to suddenly appear. Anything for a distraction from the whirlwind of thoughts in her mind. But there was nothing but the sounds of an ordinary Friday night in a small town. There were no treacherous villains and no magical mishaps tonight, it seemed. 

The night was as quiet and still as any other small town in Maine. 

If Regina tried, she could probably find some vandal somewhere or some teenager engaging in inappropriate revelry, it wasn’t exactly the kind of destructive force worthy of the ex-Evil Queen’s attention. If anything, her intervention would only bring a whole slew of gossip and questions. Lord knew the people in this town had some loud mouths.

Then again, gossip and questions was probably inevitable, considering the person with the loudest mouth in the town was no doubt getting quite the confession from her daughter right now. 

Well, Emma probably wouldn’t say anything at all, considering she knew exactly what Snow was like, but then, she wouldn’t need to say anything anyway. Because the blonde had already told everyone in their ridiculously overbearing family about her plans, apparently, so everyone would know, as soon as they looked into Emma’s less than joyful face, what happened. 

The Evil Queen, forever the villain of the story—even after helping the heroes countless times by now—who broke the poor Saviour’s heart. 

_No, that wasn’t fair._ Emma wouldn’t tell it like that. Even after what happened, she knew the other woman would never paint her as a villain. The blonde had always been the staunchest supporter of her redemption, after all. If anything, she’d likely blame herself. 

They both had a tendency to self-blame. It was one of the things they had in common, and normally, it was up to the other to bring them out of it. If Regina could stomach talking to Emma right now, she’d tell her it wasn’t her fault. 

It was Regina’s, like always. 

Wasn’t that what it always came down to? No matter how much she tried to atone for it, no matter what she did, she was always a villain. But this wasn’t exactly an issue of her villainy, either. If anything, this was the opposite.

This was Regina clearly still being a _weak fucking_ _victim_ and unable to _let go_ of a marriage that she’d violently ended herself _decades_ ago.

_Will you marry me?_

They were words that should’ve brought joy and love. For anyone else, it would’ve. To Regina, those four simple words shattered the fragile bubble of happiness and content this past year. 

Instead of celebrating their one year anniversary together, they were now spending it apart. 

Regina wondered how things could go so wrong so quickly. But that wasn’t true. She knew all too well how easily things could fall apart. In fact, part of her wasn’t even really surprised. She’d known all along, ever since she was a little girl wishing on stars and fairies that only ever ignored her—-true lasting happiness was out of reach for someone like her. 

-

This year she’d had with Emma, one filled with more easy simple joy than she ever thought possible, was already more than she deserved. Forever was impossible. 

-

On the table, there was the velvet box Emma had held out before her. She’d left it behind, it seemed. With trembling hands, Regina now opened it up. Inside, the ring glinted brightly in the silvery moonlight coming from the window and illuminating the room with its soft glow.

She hadn’t been able to take a good look at it until then, but it was a beautiful ring, she had to admit. A silver band with a deep purple stone surrounded by tiny diamonds. Under the moonlight, it glowed almost like magic. Elegant without being gaudy, it was exactly to Regina’s tastes, and though she couldn’t bring herself to slide it down her finger, she knew it would fit her perfectly there as well. 

Emma had no doubt spent a long time looking for it. Her heart clenched at the thought. 

-

The ring Daniel had given her had been little more than a simple metal band that he had made himself. Compared to the other jewelry she had, it wasn’t much. It didn’t even have a gemstone, and she was sure her mother would’ve thrown it out with the trash on sight. 

But to Regina, it was the most beautiful ring she’d ever seen. 

He’d made it himself, after all, with his own hands, something no one else had ever done for her. There were slightly wobbly etches and uneven twists at certain points of the band, amateur attempts at decoration that made her gasp in awe regardless. 

Most impressively, he’d molded it to fit perfectly on her finger. In hindsight, the series of embarrassingly transparent attempts to get her proper ring size that she’d somehow still fallen for made far more sense. In her defense, she’d been rather distracted by his blinding smile, unable to even ponder at the meaning behind his peculiar “game” of circling dandelion stems around her fingers. 

Regina had worn his ring with pride, treating it like the most precious treasure she had, because that was what it was, regardless of actual monetary value. Even when she’d been forced to hide it, she had never let it go, always careful to keep it close. 

-

When she’d exchanged his ring for another last ditch attempt to maintain her curse here in Storybrooke, she hadn’t felt regret. No, at that point, she’d been too blinded by her own anger and desperation to care. 

It was only afterwards, while drunkenly ruminating on her failures, that she felt the sharp stab of guilt and regret. She thought she deserved the failure then, for so thoughtlessly sacrificing the last piece she had of Daniel like she had. 

-

When Leopold had proposed, he’d given her a large and gaudy bauble of a ring. The golden band had been topped with a ridiculously large diamond, suitably showing off the riches and power of the White kingdom. 

Mother had been suitably pleased with it, of course, but Regina could only yearn for the simple ring Daniel had given her instead. On the outside, she had to paste a smile on her face, resisting the urge to scoff or heave or cry. 

It had felt so very heavy on her hand. Everytime she wore it, she missed Daniel’s ring more than ever. The ring may as well have been chains on her wrists and manacles around her feet. They were the symbol of how trapped she was, in the gilded cage of a castle that was her prison.

When the king had finally died, she’d taken the ring off her finger and gleefully thrown it out her bedroom window, utterly heedless of where it landed. 

-

At some point, Regina managed to pull her gaze away from the ring and remember what she was supposed to do. Of course, a single look down at herself, still messy and full of cuts and bruises, was an easy reminder. Now that she was paying attention to it, there was a stinging throb from them rushed through the forefront of her senses, her body not so subtly telling her to get a move on. 

It took a bit too long for her to reach for the magic to clean herself. Magic was emotion, after all, and hers were currently all over the place right now. Long years of experience and expertise managed to make up for it enough to reach that instinctive place and transform her clothes into something presentable again. 

Unfortunately, that was about the extent of her abilities at the moment. Her still bleeding wounds would take white magic she wasn’t sure she could properly cast at the moment. Love and joy weren’t exactly pouring from her in her current emotional state. Reaching into the well of light magic inside her to heal the wounds all over her skin seemed to be outside of her capabilities at the moment. 

She supposed she could do it the old fashioned way. There was a first aid kid in the bathroom that she could use. But despite the logic in the thought, she couldn’t quite make herself move. The stinging pain from all the cuts was hardly the worst she’d endured. It was almost nice, even, since the sharp throb grounded her in a way few other things could at the moment. 

Besides, it was nothing compared to what she’d experienced before, of course. This was more of an annoyance than anything. There were few things as painful as getting electrocuted or thrown off a building or swallowing a death curse or any number of other encounters she’d faced over the years. Needless to say, she’d built up a tolerance for physical pain. It was emotional pain that affected her the worst. That much had been true since childhood. Much as her mother’s punishments had hurt, it had always been the accompanying words that hurt most. 

Over the years, she’d found ways to cope with the pain. None of them were particularly healthy, and Archie would no doubt be looking disapprovingly at her for it, but Regina couldn’t find it in her to care right now. Right now, she needed a fucking drink, or ten. Anything to numb herself for the pain coming not in the cuts over her skin, but deep in her heart and all over her mind. 

If she was going to have no choice but to go on a walk down memory lane tonight, she needed to do it not sober. Her magic clearly concurred with her conclusion, as it came to her easily, and, with a wave of her hand, a single glass and several bottles of wine from her cellar stock appeared almost instantly. 

Opening one expertly, she poured herself a full glass and took several long swallows that burned down her throat. Soon enough, the familiar warm haze of alcohol fell over her, just in time for her to be assaulted by more memories of the past that she’d tried her best to forget. 

-

On the day of her marriage to King Leopold, Regina had been a maelstrom of grief, anger, fear and confusion. She’d felt like she was underwater, drowning in her own feelings and hardly able to breathe. 

Frankly, she’d hardly been aware of the world around her, merely going through the motions like a puppet on strings. Everything had felt like it was happening to someone else. Looking back, she couldn’t recall most of it, only brief snatches of moments that had only distorted more with the passage of time. 

She remembered her father futilely attempting to comfort her. It was a familiar scene, one that had happened countless times growing up. Her father was a good enough man to want to try to soothe the bruises and hurts her mother had inflicted on her, but not one brave enough to make sure she didn’t hurt her in the first place. This was the same scenario, the only difference being the king in place of Cora. 

She remembered Snow White’s blissful ignorance, her cheerful exuberance and excitement at having a new stepmother after all. Snow White had accepted the lies fed to her easily, and even more easily slipped into the role of spoiled daughter. Her cherubic face and guileless eyes displaying her naivety so clearly. _It wasn’t her fault. She was just a child,_ she reminded herself, but the logic didn’t help the burn in her throat or the anger brewing in her gut. Even as a child, Regina had never been so naive. 

She remembered the eyes on her, the whispers of the court. They had made it all quite clear what a terrible replacement she was for the beloved late Queen Eva. There were accusations of her intentions, murmurs about her age, rumors of her bloodline and all manner of other gossip that was almost impressive in volume considering how little time Regina had spent in the castle thus far. It wasn’t as though she even wanted to be queen of this kingdom, but the obvious and unfair judgements cast upon her hurt regardless. 

She remembered King Leopold, standing before her in the spot where Daniel should’ve been. For most of the preparations, he’d been more focused on his audience and his daughter than on her. Though he’d spent most of the wedding next to her, he’d hardly talked with her. If he had, it was mostly him speaking and her barely listening, giving only the vaguest of replies that he hardly even seemed to notice. 

The only time his attention seemed truly fixed on her was during their exchange of vows, and the kiss that followed. His lips on hers had burned like hot coals, and she felt numb and cold beneath his touch. Whatever expression was on his face the moment they said “I do”, she would never know, because the entire moment was blurred by the tears in her eyes that she desperately forced not to fall. 

-

More than anything, she remembered how she’d felt, how she’d thought of Daniel, how it was him she was supposed to be marrying, and how everything was so very _wrong_.

In a desperate attempt to correct the feeling, she’d spent more time weaving an intricate daydream in her head about what marrying him would be like than paying attention to the wedding she was actually a part of.

In another world, this was how it would’ve gone:

They would’ve married in a clearing in the woods. She’d wear a simple white dress, and have flowers in her hair. He’d be slightly awkward and uncomfortable, wearing his finest, but still simple, suit. They would look into each other’s eyes, both lovestruck by the view, before they exchanged their vows. Under beautiful blue skies, they would share their first kiss as man and wife, and afterwards, they would dance together in that forest, their laughter ringing loud and clear through the thicket of trees. 

-

Her wedding night, unfortunately, she could recall with far more clarity. 

The terrified anticipation of what was to come had pierced through her grief-stricken fog like a spear to her gut. She was a young virgin then, but not so naive as to not know what couples were meant to do on their wedding night. 

_What she was supposed to share with Daniel,_ she thought. They’d shared kisses and awkward yet passionate fumblings in the hay together, but they had never made a move towards that final destination. _Not until they were married,_ Daniel had insisted, ever the gentleman. 

At the time, feeling every inch the shy and insecure virgin, Regina had found the words sweet and reassuring. Now, as the king she was now bound to move closer, eyes dark with lust, she’d wished they had taken that final step after all. She didn’t want _this_ with anyone but her beloved stableboy. 

_No, please don’t,_ the words slipping from her mouth unbidden, fear overriding her sense, telling her that no one said _no_ to the king. He had not been happy to hear that, and the way his expression had transformed from one of lust to one of anger had been so quick it had caused whiplash. Before then, he’d been placid and polite with her, distant unless he was playing the part of the doting father. 

In his anger, he slapped her. It would be the first, but far from the last, act of violence he inflicted on her. He acted like she was the one in the wrong, for reacting like she had. She was being _bad_ , and so, she had to be _punished_ accordingly. It reminded her so strongly of her mother, that she’d stiffened in terror all over again, feeling smaller and younger than ever as tears leaked from her eyes. 

The pain when he thrust himself between her legs had been the worst she’d felt in her life. When she’d screamed out, he slapped her again before pressing a heavy hand against the mouth to muffle her cries. It felt like she was being torn apart from the inside, and she could hardly think of anything, other than to beg for it to be over. 

Regina had no idea how long he rutted atop her, but eventually, he stilled his movements, and something wet and warm splashed inside of her, making her shiver in disgust. With his release, his anger seemed to seep out as well, and he was almost gentle when finally removed his hand from her mouth. 

_This is your duty now, my dear wife,_ he told her. 

He didn’t move from his place above her and inside her, however, even as his member slowly turned flaccid and slipped out of her. Eventually, he fell asleep, his weight heavy and suffocating atop hers. The whole time, she lied underneath him, trembling and desperately trying to muffle her tears for fear of waking him again and making him angry, or worse, lustful. 

At some point in the night, he’d rolled away from her, and she was finally able to breath, even if it was shallow intakes of air as she struggled past the lump in her 

throat. She took the opportunity to curl into a ball as far away from him as possible. There was a terrible ache between her thighs that she tried to ignore, but it perfectly matched the gaping hole inside her heart. 

-

Sleep was still elusive, but she forced herself into an immersive fantasy where Daniel had never died and she was lying next to him instead, sharing a marriage bed for the first time in some inn in the middle of nowhere. 

Daniel would never hurt her, she knew this. He touched her with gentle hands, like she was the most incredible precious thing in the world. His eyes were lit with adoration, with such aching tenderness. In his arms, Regina had never felt happier or safer. 


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Snow White appears at Regina's door, and the two of them have a long overdue conversation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warnings for: non-explicit mentions of marital rape, domestic violence, emotional abuse/manipulation, suicide attempts/ideation

Over the course of what seemed like forever, but could’ve been as short as only a few minutes considering how much awareness she had of time at the moment, Regina managed to polish off two bottles of wine and was determinedly working on a third. Unfortunately, her dexterity had been rather compromised by now, so it was taking more effort than it should’ve to get the third bottle open. 

The tiny, sensible part of her mind told her it was definitely time to stop. The hangover she would have the next day was going to be an absolutely horrible one as it was, but at this moment, she hardly cared. Her eyes were glassy from the alcohol and the less than pleasant trip down memory lane. She had never listened to that sensible part of her anyhow, and she was hardly going to start now. 

In typical terrible timing, it was right at this moment that the door swung upon loud enough to make her wince at the noise. 

Snow White. Of course it was. Regina wasn’t even surprised. If anything, she wondered why the woman hadn’t arrived sooner. Or, maybe it truly had only taken her mere minutes to polish off two bottles while she went down the depressing rabbit hole of her memories. 

Whatever the case, Snow was here now, and it did not take long for her to find Regina, for whatever confrontation was no doubt about to occur. 

The expression on her face wasn’t angry, despite the fact that she’d no doubt just been speaking to a heartbroken Emma. No, worse, her face was scrunched up in apology and pity instead, especially as she took stock of the two empty bottles of wine and the third one in her hand. 

“Regina.” There was a lot of emotion packed into that single word. It was almost impressive. Or maybe she was just drunk and struggling to decipher the layers of meaning behind things like usual. 

“Snow.” She parroted back flatly. There was an even more impressive lack of emotion in her voice, she thought. 

Her former nemesis took a deep breath, clearly trying to steady herself before her next words. “I’m sorry.”

Whatever Regina had expected her to say it wasn’t that. But whatever reaction Snow was hoping for, she was certainly not going to get it. Not that she could even begin to untangle exactly what those expectations were. So, she merely maintained a steadily neutral expression in the face of Snow White and her out of nowhere apology. Of course, there was the vindictive Evil Queen part of her that said no matter how much she apologized, it would never be enough for what she’d done to her, but she doubted Snow was here to rehash those issues tonight of all nights. 

“What have you done now, Snow?” Regina sighed, managing not to slur her words at all. That was always the last to go when she drank. Mother’s lessons on proper speaking ran deeper than even alcohol to undo. “Because I’m pretty sure I should be the one saying that.” 

The Evil Queen was reformed enough now that she could admit that. 

“I’m sorry, because I should’ve known proposing was a bad idea. Emma had told me what she was going to do, and I tried to tell her but she wanted this so badly, I… couldn’t.”

Regina gritted her teeth, feeling a headache build at her temple. She wished she’d gotten that third bottle open after all, because she was clearly going to need it for this conversation. “Really? You _knew_ this would happen?” 

The idea that Snow would actually know her well enough was laughable. While it was true that out of everyone here with them today, they did know each other the longest, it didn’t mean much. But still, it did mean _something_. It meant that out of everyone in this entire town and beyond, Snow White was quite likely the only person who would know. 

Snow White was certainly looking at her as though she did. When she finally spoke, it was hesitant, words coming out with careful precision, “I know you weren’t... entirely happy during your marriage to my father.” 

“An understatement, to put it lightly,” Regina replied flatly. 

Snow no doubt had a very different recollection of their years together in the White Kingdom’s castle. King Leopold may have been a good father, even a good king, but he was _not_ a good man, and certainly _not_ a good husband. Even after everything that had happened, that was still something Snow had trouble seeing.

There was a reason they never talked about it. Over the years, they’d talked about the things they’d done to each other and forgiven each other for it, albeit obliquely, but there was one point of contention they’d never acknowledged. King Leopold. Snow’s father. Regina’s husband. The man she’d had murdered. _Oh what a tangled web they weaved,_ she thought bitterly. _What a tragedy they made._

They never talked about it before. But it seemed they were going to talk about it now. Despite part of her thinking it would be for the best that she simply continue to take this to her grave, as she’d planned this entire time, another part of her thought this was probably long overdue. Decades overdue, if they were being truthful.

If Snow was ready to stop shying away from the elephant in their past, then Regina was ready to deliver some brutal honesty in return. She was just drunk and emotionally exhausted enough finally to do it too. 

It was hard to know where to start or when to begin, but once she opened her mouth, she found the words flowing out on their own, “You know how Tink and I met?”

Snow looked a little startled at the seeming non-sequitur, but she answered regardless, “She saved you when you fell from the balcony, right? And then she led you to your soulmate?”

Regina ignored the reference to Robin. This wasn’t the time for _that_ talk yet. Instead, she said bluntly, “The fall wasn’t entirely an accident, Snow.” 

“What?” The stunned look on Snow’s face would’ve been comical in any other circumstance, and Regina found herself giving a dark chuckle at the sight anyway. 

“I was deeply unhappy. If Archie had been there, as the therapist he is now and not the useless cricket he was before, he’d likely diagnose me with clinical depression and suicidal tendencies.” Regina explained conversationally, sardonic humor in her voice, as she went on, “Or maybe he wouldn’t. He did get his degree from a curse, after all.”

Humor was usually Emma’s coping mechanism, not hers, but maybe it was inevitable they’d rub off on each after all these years, after all. Of course, her humor tended towards the gallows kind, which was not something most appreciated coming from the former Evil Queen. 

“You _wanted_ to fall?” The underlying meaning was obvious and the worry even more so. 

Regina could remember the moment like it was yesterday. She had been leaning a bit too far, carelessly hanging over the edge in a way that suggested she’d maybe subconsciously wanted to fall. Still, when she’d started to tip over to the other side, there had been a brief flash of instinctive panic. But then, as the realization set in, she found herself relaxing, her arms at her sides, not even bothering to try to grab onto anything as she fell through the air. Any humor in her vanished, as the memories washed over her. 

Closing her eyes, Regina explained, “I didn’t intend to, at first, but when I first started to slip, well, I didn’t try very hard to regain my balance.” 

“I… I didn’t realize.” Snow was looking at her like she was seeing her for the first time. To her, Regina had always seemed so strong, so larger than life. The idea of her being suicidal, or something like it, seemed so foreign to her.

Then again, perhaps she shouldn’t have been too surprised, she corrected herself, as she remembered the moment she’d nearly killed her, as the Evil Queen. Her former stepmother had stared death in the face without a flinch. Snow had thought it was merely bravado, another mask, or perhaps the madness that had transformed her from the woman she’d so admired to one who hated her so fiercely. But now she realized it had been exactly what it seemed. Regina had no fear of death.

Realizing how close she had been to losing Regina, she could not help but say, “I’m so glad that Tink saved you that night.”

There was a long beat of silence, before Regina admitted, “Me too. Eventually.” 

“I was a little less glad about her other attempt to ‘save me’. I suppose the fact that she was a fairy gave her a very different perspective on things. But Tink’s idea of saving me was to drag some fairy dust into it.” She noted wryly. “I would’ve been happy enough just to have a friend, frankly. But she seemed to believe I needed my soulmate to be happy.”

Snow wasn’t sure what to say. It wasn’t as though she didn’t disagree with the fairy’s sentiment. Indeed, the two of them had been the biggest proponents of Regina’s relationship with Robin. Though she had come around and become an even bigger supporter of her relationship with Emma, she had been wary at first. Not because of the Evil Queen, but because of the true love and the soulmate Regina had already loved and lost before. 

Still, despite her part in encouraging it, Regina had never spoken so candidly about the first missed meeting with her soulmate. There had been some vague remarks about fearing to love again, but now, Snow suspected there was more to it than that.

“She didn’t understand that I was in no place to be running off with another man. Not after how the last attempt ended.” Regina explained, and the reference to Daniel cast a stab of guilt in Snow for her part in the mess. “My mother may have been gone by then, but the king was hardly going to let the queen run away and make a fool of him. There would have been no happy ending for us then, soulmates or not.”

“My father wouldn’t have done that.” Snow protested instinctively. “If you’d told him the truth, told him you fell in love with another, he would have let you go.”

“Your father once slapped me because I danced ‘a little too close’ to a nobleman who dared to touch my naked skin in front of his eyes.” Regina recounted sharply in rebuttal. “The nobleman couldn’t be punished too severely because of his position, but he’d been harshly warned to watch his hands after that.”

Snow’s eyes were wide with disbelief, and she could practically hear the dissonance with the image the girl had of her beloved father. Good King Leopold was finally being knocked off the pedestal his daughter had built for him. 

“At best, he would’ve had Robin jailed, and returned me to my own gilded cage.” Regina concluded grimly. “At worst, we’d both have been hanged for treason, and likely punished severely beforehand. Honestly, Tink was practically consigning the poor man to death with her actions, and she later had the gall to blame me for not going through with it.”

“I didn’t think…” Snow’s eyes were watery, every inch the ignorant child she’d been during Regina’s time in that castle. But then, there was something of the steel that had made her go from spoiled princess to clever bandit as she finally asked, “What was he like?”

There was a faraway look in Regina’s eyes. Though her expression remained carefully blank, there was a tremble in her body she couldn’t hide. Slowly, quietly, she finally told the full story of her time in that castle. Some of them were familiar to Snow, but were now cast into an entirely new light, as the things she hadn’t noticed as a young girl were now laid starkly before her. 

For the entirety of her marriage, her husband had been a disconcerting mix of indifference and possessiveness, of kindness and cruelty. He clearly cared little to get to know her, judging by their pathetically shallow conversational topics, yet he’d stolen her diary to read through her innermost thoughts seemingly just for the sake of violating her privacy. He’d made it clear that he didn’t really want her, that he far preferred his dead wife’s ghost to her living self, yet he most certainly did not want anyone else to have her, and he’d grow angry and possessive the moment another man’s gaze was upon her. 

Through it all, Regina had been powerless to do anything. She may have been a queen in name, but she was little more than a glorified babysitter for the princess and a convenient whore for the king to slake his lusts on when the urge struck. After that first violent night, she had learned not to say _no_ to him again, to stifle her tears and muffle her screams as best as she could, but that did not change the fact that every time he came into her bed, he _raped_ her. 

Snow flinched and winced throughout the telling, each word seeming to strike her like a physical blow, the last one most of all. There were tears in her eyes, in clear contrast to the studied blankness in Regina’s. Finally, she gasped out, a tremble in her voice, “I’m sorry. For never realizing. For never trying to find out. All these years, I should’ve tried to know, especially after we became family again.”

Shaking her head, she explained. “I was just… afraid to know, I think. Part of me always suspected something but I didn’t want to ruin my memories of him and I didn’t want to poke at old wounds. I was afraid of breaking our fragile peace and happiness together. It took so long for us to get to this point, and I didn’t want to risk messing that up.”

Though Regina’s expression and demeanor remained one of carefully maintained blankness, some of the tension leaking out as she admitted, “I didn’t either. The truth is, despite—or perhaps because of—everything, I do care deeply about you. I suppose I wanted to protect you from it. I never wanted to be your mother, but I guess I couldn’t help but slip into that role in a way.”

It was not the first time they had confessed what they had meant to each other, but everytime, Snow felt the warmth bloom throughout her body. She’d loved Regina ever since she was that little girl on that runaway horse. “I love you so much, and I never meant to hurt you. I know I’ve hurt you terribly with my ignorance and blindness. But I’ve only ever wanted you to be happy.” 

Snow deflated, her own gaze taking a faraway cast as she admitted. “Looking back, I was just… so happy to have you there, and I sort of assumed you were too, that you shared in my happiness. I couldn’t even conceive of the notion that you might’ve been unhappy. I understand now, just how horrible that first marriage was for you. And how much I played a part in that.”

The admission gained her a brief nod of acknowledgement, and Snow was hesitant to break this moment, yet she knew she had to continue. “I just don’t… Why would you refuse this proposal? I know you didn’t want to marry last time. I understand why. But this is _Emma_. She’s nothing like her grandfather, Regina. This marriage would be nothing like the last.” Her eyes were shiny with confusion and the impassioned plea had her clenching her hands in prayer. 

Regina flinched, not needing the reminder of just how closely Emma was related to the two people who’d made her life in that castle so miserable. They were more than their blood, more than their families, she knew, but still. It was yet another trigger. 

“I can’t. Just the thought of being married again, of being a wife makes me freeze up. It sends me back to decades ago, as if no time has passed at all.” She shook her head, a self-deprecating smile on her lips as she sighed, “It’s stupid and silly and weak of me, but I can’t seem to help it.”

Snow frowned, the concern so clear in her eyes it was overwhelming. “I… I didn’t realize it was that bad. I guess I should’ve known there was a reason you never remarried, even after all this time.”

“It’s not as if I haven’t thought about it Snow. When I found love again… Of course, I imagined the ultimate happy ending.” Regina looked away. “But every time I imagined it, every time, I pictured the ring on my finger and being called a wife… It goes from a happy dream to a nightmare.” 

This admission was, somehow, worse than the last. Because this one meant that underneath the trauma, the defensive reaction, she did want it all. Snow, forever well-meaning and optimistic Snow White that she was, she couldn’t help but want it all for the woman she cared so much about too. Still, her voice was hesitant, as she began, “I know you probably don’t want another of my hope speeches.”

The answering scoff this drew said it all, but Snow pushed through anyway. ”Just, please, just remember this. You’ve been so happy with Emma this past year, the both of you. Emma wants to marry you because she wants that happiness to last forever. And I think that deep down, it’s what you want too.”

“You aren’t the only one with scars from the past. We both know she has some issues believing people aren’t going to leave her, even after all this time.” Her own guilt showed clearly on her face. She knew that she had made a lot of mistakes as Emma’s mother. “That’s why when she said she was going to propose. I didn’t say anything. I couldn’t bear to try to stop her, to try to tell her how you’d probably take it, and I’m sorry for that, because I probably could’ve saved you both some heartache tonight.”

Flashing back to the look of pure devastation on Emma’s face as she realized what Regina’s answer was, the former queen gave a bitter laugh. There was a scathing reply just sitting on her tongue, but Snow gave her no chance to say it, as she quickly spoke again. “But Regina, the thing is… I think that maybe Emma is doing the right thing here after all.”

“Do you know where Emma is right now? She’s at your vault. Because she wants to be close to you, but she doesn’t want to go against your wishes of asking her to leave. She wouldn’t stay at the loft with us no matter how much I begged.” She shook her head with a sad smile.

“I believe that you’ll be happy being married to her, Regina. Haven’t you been so happy this year you’ve been together? That’s what it will be like.” She said firmly, with all the confidence of a born optimist. “Haven’t you spent so long looking for your happy ending? This is it. All you have to do is say yes.” 

Any scathing replies she had died in her throat, suddenly subsumed by the lump growing inside of it. Regina didn’t say anything for a long time, after that, the stunned look on her face saying it all, and Snow had nothing else to add, it seemed. 

Seemingly finished saying her piece, Snow left after that, though not before wrapping her in a very long and tight hug. The fact that the other woman stood stiffly against it did not deter her, and eventually, when Regina managed to wrap her arms in return, she only hugged her tighter.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Regina and Emma finally talk, and come to a conclusion.

Snow’s words continued to echo in her mind long after she was gone. 

-

She tried to imagine what a wedding to Emma would look like. Though the familiar fear emerged, bringing horrible memories along with it, she forced it down, and tried to picture it clearly. Snow was right in that it would be nothing like her first.

This time, Regina would be surrounded by family and friends, people who actually cared about her and her wellbeing. There would be no grief clouding her mind, making her numb to everyone and everyone around her. She would remember every moment of this day with striking clarity, and it would be helped along by the copious amount of pictures and video no doubt being taken by Snow, Henry and everyone else. 

Somewhere along the way, they had turned into something of a power couple here in Storybrooke, after all. But regardless of whatever power and influence they had, this was most definitely a love match. Despite being from her bloodline, Emma was nothing like her grandfather. She’d proposed out of love for her, just like Daniel. 

Her wedding would be a _happy_ event, for everyone involved, and her most of all.

-

In that moment, she thought she might’ve hated Leopold more than ever, from taking this from her. 

The thing was, Regina _wanted_ to _want_ to marry Emma. 

She loved her like she hadn’t loved anyone, not even Daniel. Her stableboy had died too soon, too young, for them to truly get to know each other, to have the years of experience together that would truly deepen their love. 

With Emma, they had years of experience together. There was Neverland, sharing memories by the town line, the Snow Queen, and so much more. They had gone from enemies to co-parents to best friends to so much more. It had been a long bumpy road to their happy ending, but they were all the stronger for it. 

Now, she could not imagine a life without Emma. 

It had been only a few hours since Emma had left her, and already the loss hurt, an emptiness like the one she’d felt when she first cast the Dark Curse, an ache like the grief that had enveloped her for years after Daniel died. She couldn’t lose another true love. Even her most resilient heart had its limits. 

Something had to give. 

-

Regina knew what she had to do.

-

_All you have to do is say yes._

-

In a flash of magic that now came easily to her thanks to her new resolve, Regina appeared in her vault. 

Despite her sudden appearance, Emma didn’t seem very surprised, aside from a stiffening of her shoulders. She looked better than Regina did, but not by much. Judging by the empty bottles of liquor on the floor, she’d taken a similar approach on how to get through tonight. That was a little worrying, but she’d be a hypocrite to say anything about it. 

Thankfully, Emma had enough sense not to wander down to the magical portion of the building, instead staying above, staring blankly at the tombs there. Looking closer, she could see her gaze was drawn to Daniel’s epitaph in particular. 

Regina knew her well enough to know where her thoughts must have headed. The story of her first love was one she had long since told Emma in full, and after tonight, it was easy to connect the dots. 

When Daniel had proposed, Regina had said yes, after all. 

“Sorry about the mess. I’ll clean it up later, I swear.” Emma said, waving a vague hand at the bottles on the floor. She kept her attention firmly away from Regina. “Drinking inside a mausoleum is probably wrong on multiple levels, huh?” 

“It’s fine. They don’t mind.” Regina shrugged, giving a wry look. “They’re both dead anyway.” 

Emma didn’t buy it, clearly knowing her all too well too. Despite her nonchalance about it, the loss of those Regina loved still weighed on her sometimes, even after all these years. Time had dulled the pain but could never erase it completely. 

Thankfully, Emma also knew her well enough not to say anything about it further. Instead, she sighed long-sufferingly, “I _told_ mom not to go see you. But, I guess we both know how pointless it is to try to talk sense into Snow White.”

“Yes, well, for once, I think it might’ve been what was needed. For the both of us.” Regina admitted wryly. It was a long overdue conversation, really, but it had taken the stress of today and two bottles of wine to finally loosen her tongue enough to have it. “I wouldn’t tell her that though, and I’ll deny it fiercely if you say anything. No need to encourage Snow White to have more heart-to-heart talks in the future.”

“Really?” As Emma’s gaze finally slid towards her, eyes wide in surprise. Her eyes widened further as soon as she took in her no doubt pitiful sight, and her focus slid firmly away from Snow White as she remarked. “Shit, you didn’t heal your cuts?”

Regina shrugged, pointing out quietly, “I wasn’t exactly in the right emotional state for casting light magic.”

“Oh, right.” Emma blinked, the understanding coming slowly. Though she was no longer the magical neophyte she once was, much of the theory still tended to fly over her head. Still, when it came to the practical aspects, she’d mostly managed to master it by now. Tentatively raising her hand, she offered. “I could do it?”

Unlike last time, Regina didn’t flinch from her touch. She gave a nod of consent, as she wrapped her fingers around Emma’s. Light magic still came more easily to the Saviour, even after her stint as the Dark One. It took mere moments for the cuts on Regina’s skin to stitch itself up and the bruises to fade. 

Though it was probably psychosomatic more than anything, even the haze of alcohol and the weight of the memories seemed to lighten too. This, _this_ was why she needed to do this. Emma could heal all the broken parts of her, not just with her magic, but with her mere presence. 

Even after her wounds healed though, their hands remained locked together. As Emma looked down, she could now clearly see that Regina was in fact wearing the ring she’d used to propose earlier tonight. In the dim light, it glinted brightly, and her gasp seemed to echo in the quiet of the room. 

“You’re wearing it..?” Emma’s brow furrowed in confusion. “Why?”

“Yes.” Regina said, staring at those shocked green eyes head on and hoping her nerves didn’t show too clearly on her own face. Emma deserved this, she reminded herself. “Because I’ll marry you.”

Emma looked torn between wariness, confusion and hope. “What?”

“Snow reminded me about how happy I’ve been with you this year and how much I’ve searched for my happy ending all this time.” Regina admitted, with a faint smile on her face. 

“Really? Snow’s hope speech actually worked?” Emma asked, a skeptical look on her face. There was no hiding the smile slowly forming in her eyes though, and it wasn’t entirely because of the frankly hilarious picture of Snow White’s speeches actually working on the ex-Evil Queen. 

“In a way. I believe her exact words were: ‘all I have to do is say yes’.” Regina recalled. “She was the one who told me you were here, because, apparently, you just had to get close as you could to me, even if it meant being around some dead bodies.” 

Though the words were meant to be light and teasing, they came out heavier than she intended, layered with emotions and meaning that Emma could discern all too easily. Regina resisted the urge to flinch, as she realized she may have given a bit more away than she wanted to.

It was too late. Emma knew her all too well, and the smile slid off her face the moment realization struck her. Eyes wide in horror, she asked. “Are you… marrying  _ me _ just to make me happy?”

The flinch she couldn’t stop was more than enough to answer. Regina couldn’t stand to see such an expression on Emma’s face. Feeling all too exposed herself, she struggled to try to salvage the situation. “I… Is that so bad? I’m giving you what you want!” 

“Regina, I want to marry you, yes. But  _ not _ like this.” Emma told her. With a frustrated sigh, she said plainly, “I want you to want it too.”

“I  _ do _ want it, Emma.” Regina said quietly. “I  _ want _ to  _ want _ it, anyway.” 

This wasn’t going the way she hoped. Part of her hated Snow White for leading her down this path. Of course the well-meaning fool managed to hurt her yet again with her good intentions.  But the reminder only made her realize how enlightening her previous conversation with Snow was. If they were really going to talk about this, they needed to be completely honest about it. It was nothing less than what Emma deserved, after everything. 

Her gaze turned towards Daniel’s tomb. “When I said yes back then, I didn’t really have any idea what I was saying yes too. Neither did he, in asking. We were both so young and starry-eyed back then.”

“I like to think we would’ve both been happy regardless of any problems we might’ve faced, but honestly, we would’ve been a mess. We loved each other yes, but we’d also only known each other for less than a year. It would’ve been a hard life. We would’ve had to build a life from nothing, and we’d have to spend the entire time looking over our shoulders, fearful of Mother swooping in. There’s no doubt we would’ve fought, over things small and large, during that time. 

“I want to believe that our love would’ve pulled through in the face of all the adversity, and we would’ve gotten the cabin in the woods filled with the sounds of our happy children in the end. But who truly knows? We could’ve also just as easily ended up hurting each other too bad to be able to stand being the same room. Love isn’t always enough to get through it all.” 

“I had a very naive idea of marriage back then. I thought of it as the ultimate happy ending. Honestly, it’s probably my fault Snow is that way too. I was the one who gushed all about it to her, after all.” The irony of that was not lost on her.  “I said yes to a dream that never came to fruition. You know, even when I was actually married, I still thought of Daniel as my fiance? That’s how I always referred to him, even long after he’d died. Even long after my actual husband died.” 

“The next time I said yes, I was consigning myself to a nightmare.” She shuddered. “One that’s haunted me for far too long now. I don’t want to be afraid of a ghost anymore. I… I’m not sure I’m ready to get married again. I don’t know if I can stomach having a ring on me and being called a wife without breaking into flashbacks. But I want to  _ try.” _

Emma looked at her for a long time, her expression shifting through so many strong emotions in quick succession. There was pain and grief and joy and anger and many more she couldn’t hope to identify. Most of all though, there was  _ empathy _ . It was different from the painful sting of pity, because this one was tinged with  _ understanding _ .

Having gone through her own share of traumas, even if not quite in the same way, Emma had always been able to understand her in a way her mother had certainly never been able to, despite having personally been there for quite a good deal of it. Well, before tonight, anyway. Perhaps, from now on, Snow would understand a little better. 

Even so, she would never be able to gaze at her the way Emma did now, as though she could see into her very soul. Regina had to resist the urge to flinch under the scrutiny, unable to stop the feat that perhaps tonight would be the time she would finally be found wanting. That she might be judged as too broken to be with, after all.

Her heart raced, as Regina wondered if this was the end, after all. If this was how it would end, their year of happiness together was killed by the broken promise of forever. 

But instead of the death knell she was dreading, when Emma finally spoke up, it was with words she never expected. “Why don’t we just be fianceés instead?” 

“What?” Regina’s brow furrowed in confusion. The conversation had taken a very unexpected turn all of a sudden, and she felt dizzy trying to keep up. Somehow, in the dozens of scenarios she’d conjured up, all the directions this talk could have gone, she had never thought of  _ this _ . 

“You obviously have no problem being a fianceé. You’ve been Daniel’s for decades, after all.” Emma pointed out, with a raised brow. 

“That’s… true.” It was hardly official or anything, but that was how Regina always liked to think of it. The man might have died and his ring might’ve been lost in a moment of weakness, but he would live forever in her heart as the man she could have married, had things gone differently. 

As though she could see into her thoughts, Emma explained gently, “We can just stay fianceés, and we don’t ever have to get married until  _ you _ want to.”

Her heart continued to race, for a different reason this time. Through the thundering roar in her head, Regina tried to swallow the lump in her throat as she asked, voice shaky, “And if the answer is never?” 

But Emma merely shrugged in response, a lopsided grin on her face, as she reassured her  _ fianceé _ . “That’s okay too.”

“ _ Really? _ ” The disbelief was clear in her tone. It was too good to be true, Regina couldn’t help but think. But she banished the voice to the back of her head. Emma was so good to her, and she wouldn’t lie to her, not about this. 

“Yes. I’d be honored to call you my fianceé forever.” Emma said firmly, and her eyes were a bright forest green, shining with resolve.  _ Forever _ . The word struck a chord straight through her, right into the heart of that silly lovesick girl who believed that true love was stronger than anything else in the world. 

“Honestly, it doesn’t even matter what we call each other, so long as we have each other. But you have to admit, fianceé sounds better than girlfriend.” Emma pointed out with a grin. The blonde’s ability to break the tension was well-placed, or rather misplaced, joke was paying off magnificently at the moment. Like a balloon popping, the serious air dissipated into something much lighter.

Regina couldn’t help it—she choked out a laugh, stifling half-hysterical giggles as though Emma had somehow told the funniest joke she ever had. It wasn’t really that funny, and she was certainly going to blame stress for it. But with the blonde glowing like she’d managed a miracle, Regina found she could only concede, through a gasp, “Certainly less juvenile.” 

All too happy to play along, Emma nodded with mock seriousness. “Yeah, better save the girlfriends for Henry.” 

She glared at the other woman, a little more sharply, as full on overprotective mom suddenly activated by the words. “Exactly what are you implying about our son?” 

“That I want him to have a love just as strong and beautiful as ours?”

A choked snort slipped out of Regina at that statement, completely negating the glare she was attempting. Emma merely grinned in response. Shaking her head, Regina said dryly, “Very smooth."

“I’m not always an idiot, you know.” Emma retorted, slipping into a puppy dog pout that was entirely too adorable. Not that she was ever going to admit it out loud. Someshow, she suspected Emma knew anyway, judging by the amused twinkling in her eyes. 

“You’re my idiot, regardless.” Regina corrected, pressing a tender kiss to Emma’s lips. “And I’m yours too, I suppose. I know I haven’t exactly handled things well with all this. But I hope you know that I’m willing to try with you, and do whatever it takes to make you—make  _ us _ , happy.”

“I know.” Emma smiled bright as the sun, lighting up her green eyes brilliantly. 

And maybe someday, Regina would be able to call herself a wife and not think of those terrible nights in a cold, drafty castle. Maybe someday, marriage would not make her think of prison chains and what terrible monsters mere men could be. 

But even if that day never came, even if Emma Swan was forever her fianceé instead of her wife, it would be fine. Because they already had their happily ever after, just being in love together. They already had their forever, regardless of the name or form it took. 

“Forever yours.” Regina emphasized, placing the hand with her fianceé’s chosen ring right over the blonde’s heart, relishing in the thumping beat she could feel beneath the skin. A far cry from the empty too loud silence of her first love. 

“Forever  _ yours _ .” Emma replied, echoing the sentiment firmly, a wide giddy smile on her face that made her see the resemblance to her mother. For the first time in a long time, she could honestly appreciate it. After all, if it weren’t for Snow White, their long overdue talk, and her annoying hope speeches, they might not be here at all. 

Any other thoughts of her former stepdaughter were quickly pushed out of her mind though, as Emma pressed their lips together in a deep kiss that stole all her breath like it was the first time.  In a way, it was. It was their first kiss as fianceés, after all, and it spoke deeply of promise. 

One that said love was a two way street, and theirs would lead them down a long happy life together. 

**Author's Note:**

> EDIT: I’m currently doing art & writing commissions. Please DM me on twitter/IG/tumblr @kahlen369 for any inquiries <3


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